On Feeling Blah

Aka, advice from yours truly on why you need to stop feeling guilty whenever you prefer to feel like a hot pile of garbage.

Heads up: Not only does the title contain the word blah, this post is literally blah. Rubbish. Solid proof I can’t write, at all. It is among the top 3 of my worst brain vomit ramblings out there, but it is what it is.

Let’s end the year on a not-so-positive note. It’s been crap for everyone. Though I know there are plenty of good things that have happened this year despite everything (I ALWAYS reflect on those in my journal on New Year’s Eve. After all, I’m not an ungrateful bastard), right now, I just don’t feel like looking at those.

I feel blah, I want to let it out, and then I will get back on track (next year).

Sometimes, I don’t feel the orange creative juice(s) flowing. Sometimes, I wash my hair and it still looks greasy. Sometimes, I drink a full glass of water but I’m still thirsty. Sometimes life just isn’t great. You can’t expect me to climb up a mountain in a smooth way. I can’t do it without breaks and bumps (literal bumps on the floor, but also me bumping against things because I am clumsy). I can’t do it without being out of breath, either. Ok, tbf, you can’t even expect me to go up four three two flights of stairs and not be out of breath but maybe that’s just me.

Lately, I have experienced the following more than usual:

When you’re expected to do things, but you are not doing them. When you’re expected to be happy and smiley, but you are not feeling it. When you’re expected to make progress, but you are not making any. And then the other person gets frustrated. And then I get frustrated. But not because I am not doing a certain task, smiling or making progress. I get frustrated that the other person EXPECTS me to do or feel these things.

Sometimes I can’t force it. I can’t speed up, switch or skip certain parts. STOP TREATING THE MOODS AND FEELINGS I HAVE LIKE A GAME. I’m a real human being. What if you just hit pause or something? (And go get a snack or take a piss.) In the meantime, allow me to bask in whatever emotion I feel like basking in. (Not sure basking means what I think it means, but it’s okay. I love the word and want to use it right here and now.) I want to sit with my lack of enthusiasm to do things, my lack of smiling, my lack of progress. Let me feel that shit. Or not feel it. Don’t dictate, you dick. Let it be, like the Beatles would say. Let me feel and be whatever I want and when I want. It will pass.

Why aren’t you doing this? Why don’t you feel like this? What’s your problem? Don’t be weird. Pull yourself together. How about no? How about we are all a little more like, Whatever you are feeling right now, it’s valid.

It’s okay to feel (or look, not judging) like a hot pile of garbage sometimes. I’m not a robot. I can’t function 24/7. Sometimes, the best I can do is 2/3. But that’s okay. I used to feel guilty about this. Tbh, I still do. But the guilt mostly stems from others expecting me to resemble the idealized version they have of me in their  heads. And I’m tired. So I refuse. And that’s okay. (How many more times can I say okay?)

I know it’s not a great feeling, to not feel great. But if I pretend like that feeling is not there, if I pretend like I don’t feel like poop, then it’ll only snowball into a bigger pile of poop. And eventually, I will end up like diarrhea. Do you want to be diarrhea? No. Nobody wants to be diarrhea. You want to be rock-solid and firm so you can tackle whatever shit life is throwing at you. (This is why you can’t be a snowball, either. You’re just gonna melt. Cease to exist.)

Whatever blah feelings you’re feeling, just feel it. I won’t judge you. Take it one day at a time. There is a light at the end of the tunnel. If you take stops to nap on its way to reach it, that’s cool. The light’s still gonna be there.

(Can you tell I’m just trying to find excuses for my laziness?)