Warning: This is my most TMI post, ever. 👁️👄👁️

“You seem like someone who loves pouring her heart out to strangers”

“What’s so fun about talking to a complete stranger?”

“Sometimes you share stuff where I’m just like, wtf?”

“Why are you doing this?”

“What you’re doing is not as funny as you think it is.”

You may or may not know this about me, but I have no filter. That is, online. (Sometimes offline too, depends on the circumstances. But for the majority, it’s online.) Most of the time it’s great, a few times not so much. Nahh hold up a sec, oversharing feels great all the fucking time and I will never apologize for doing it.

Just to make sure we’re all on the same page, do you know what I mean with oversharing? If you’re unsure, would you mind googling it yourself? I just googled the word ‘oversharing’ to provide some definitions, but some non-definition things caught my attention instead.

“Oversharing without any filter is often a sign of insecurity, a knee-jerk way of entertaining a crowd instead of respecting […] your own well-being. […] You’re struggling with boundaries” ^x 

Haha, that’s bullshit. But at the same time, absolutely true. My insecurities are unrelated to my act of oversharing. (I think? 😰). I do respect myself. But yes, I do struggle with boundaries. With oversharing, it’s like, I don’t know where to draw the line. And what do I do when that happens? I just keep on drawing.

The following I found on Urban Dictionary, where someone describes oversharing as“[a]n exclamation in response to one who has pinned the meter on exposing too much personal information, usually to a group of people not commonly interwoven with one’s personal life and activities.”

Omg, so true. The majority of the people who follow me online are people I don’t even know, or barely. Which I think is super interesting. Not sure how I’d feel about sharing my tmi shenanigans with an audience where I know every single one of them personally. At first I was uncomfortable when I started to notice that more people who knew me irl had started to follow what I do online. But I quickly got over it. So maybe, I would not be as bothered to expose everyone I know to my oversharing? Idk.

Another one from Urban Dictionary I found interesting: “Oversharing is when you don’t have the emotional stability required to rationalize and reassure yourself so you give the mental charge to do so to an acquaintance without his or her consent, resulting in trespassing her or his personal mental space. Oversharing is recurrent in individuals who suffer from anxiety disorder and other mental illnesses.”

Tbf, I believe I can relate to that last sentence. I think that sounds pretty reasonable. I might have some undiagnosed issues. Would explain a lot. 

Do you need some examples on how I overshare? My Instagram is the place to be if you want to witness the kind of oversharing I engage in. My insta stories in particular are a cesspool for oversharing. On there, I regularly post pictures or videos of my pimples in all the colors, shapes and forms they come in. In the past, I have shared a story that perfectly illustrated how my nail polish matched my toilet paper. In case you haven’t noticed, the sheer existence of this blog is the epitome of oversharing.

Why I Am Oversharing

I am oversharing because growing up, I was convinced that keeping my mouth shut is the smartest or rather, safest choice I could make. I felt like being quiet is what’s for the best, more or less all the time. This obviously depended on my surroundings. I was talkative, loud and sassy around my immediate family, but the complete opposite in school, for example. In my head, I was like,

“Ok, so, if I can avoid any sort of confrontation, I will definitely do that.”

Ergo, no communication is for the best. Actually, I didn’t think being quiet was bad, if anything, I thought it was the normal thing to do. I saw it growing up. And I know I still struggle with this today, shutting down as opposed to saying what’s on my mind, but I can tell that I am improving. So hey, it’s all about making those baby steps u guys.

Most of the time, the reason why I was quiet was actually because I just didn’t know what to say. Whenever I felt like saying something, I could feel walls going up in my brain and bricks dropping on my vocal chords. When you ask me,

“Hey what’s wrong?”

or,

“Hey, what are you thinking?”

and I respond with,

“I don’t know”,

then I literally mean it.

I don’t know.

I am not lying when I say this. My mind goes blank. It goes to a place of complete darkness and emptiness. If there were any thoughts at all, they were suddenly gone. Erased. And if wrote about anything in my journal relating to such an incidence, the words on the paper would also be along of the lines of “I don’t know, I wasn’t thinking. I didn’t know what to say.” This sounds super dramatic but it really isn’t (lol). It’s just how it went. I didn’t bother me as much back then, probably because I thought it was normal, but also because nobody called me out on it. In case someone did, I either walked away, ignored them, came up with an excuse, or burst into tears.

Which leads me to the next point. I was such a crier, growing up. (still am sometimes, but not as bad. I think. I hope.) Any emotion I had felt that couldn’t be verbalized was met with the response of crying. So basically, anything from anger, frustration, to sadness or whatever, was met with tears. I saw this growing up too. So again, it somehow makes sense I would unknowingly emulate that as a kid? Often, I’d try to suppress it, or try my hardest to only cry when I’m alone, but sometimes I couldn’t. Then, next thing I know, it POURS OUT OF ME LIKE A FOUNTAIN. Even worse, when it happens in front of someone else, ughhhh.

Btw, I have not consulted a therapist for any of this (yet) lol. I came to all these conclusions on my own with some good ol’ shovel digging into the abyss of my childhood. Which isn’t all that easy to do with all our memories being somewhat distorted by the time we are adults. Maybe it’s 2020’s fault or I don’t know, maybe it was just finally time, but I am seeing some ugly ass yellow wallpaper patterns more than I have ever before, and am trying to tear them down, piece by piece, Charlotte Perkins Gilman style.

Why I Won’t Apologize For Oversharing

While I know social media sucks balls and I don’t want to hype it all up, at the same time, I do want to hype it all up because it makes me feel alive, sometimes. (Sometimes, it also makes me feel dead and numb but that’s for another post.)

I don’t care how pathetic that sounds. Oversharing makes me feel creative again. It makes me chuckle. I am amazed at all the possibilities there are to express yourself. It makes me smile that I am saying all this stuff, expressing myself, not filtering myself (or barely). Its like I know,

“Oh hey, this side of me does exist after all, who knew!”

Just scribbling things down into a journal doesn’t do the same. This, social media, just hits differently, ya know. Oversharing feels great, I don’t worry what others think or say about it. I am not hurting you or anyone by doing it. 100% sure I am not hurting myself, either. Actually, I am healing myself (cringe alert). So I won’t apologize for it.

Sometimes I feel like people who only know me online, are surprised when they meet me in real life. But also the other way around. People who only know me in person, and happen to stumble across my Instagram or blog. Some appear disappointed that I am shy, reserved and private, while others are perplexed I can be so open. Tbh I have conflicted feelings about the various reactions I get.

Why? Because I don’t put on an act online, or in real life. I like being able to surprise people, but at the same time, I feel annoyed. Just because I am one thing, doesn’t mean I can’t be another? I used to hate being so indecisive and contradicting all my life. I hated that I couldn’t focus on deciding on one thing to do, eat, etc, you name it.

Today, I LOVE THAT SHIT ABOUT MYSELF. I don’t want to call it being indecisive. I want to call it something else. Fluid? Versatile? Adaptable? Embracing of everything? It’s such an awesome feeling to welcome all layers, traits, interests, and desires you have. I’m not a worse person because of this, nope. All it means is that I’m a richer person for doing so.

2020 is behind us, yaaay. Last night, I took a moment to reflect back on the year like I always do at the end of the year. And holy shit, I have come to the conclusion that I feel so good right now, the best I have felt in ages. I mean, yes, I also feel like crap, a lot. Right now, actually. But even in times like these I feel good because I accept it, allow myself to feel it, and then I reflect on it. At least that’s what I have been forcing myself to do this past year.

So yes, I feel great about feeling like crap. It makes me feel human. I feel great about oversharing, it makes me feel present. And alive. I’ve said that already, haven’t I? And just human. I said that already, too. Yeah well to cut a long story short, fuck y’all haterz, I won’t apologize for oversharing, just mute/block/unfollow my ass instead.