Yes. No. Maybe. Idk. Can you repeat the question?

The other day someone told me the following: “You seem like someone who doesn’t know where they wanna go.” And you know what. Shit got me thinking.

My initial response was to react… disapproving? Hostile? For whatever reason, I felt like it was really important that I prove this wasn’t true. Naturally, I wanted to be quick-witted. So in my head, I tried to come up with a clever answer as to how totally wrong that person was, but I couldn’t form a good reply at all.

This is when I realized I was more like this: 😧 coz damn, he had just figured me out. Kind of. But not really. Ehh whatever. Either way, the statement really made me think. Enough to write a whole blog post on it.

Do I know where I wanna go? The answer is, no. And yes.

I don’t know where I want to be, I just know what I want to be. Or more precisely, what I want to feel.  The thing is, I don’t know where I want to be physically, geographically, professionally, relationshipy, romantically, whatever. So in that sense, he is right. I have no fucking clue. But lel, he is also wrong. Because I know exactly where I want to be mentally and emotionally.

Does this make any sense? Anyone feeling the same? Yes? No? Maybe?

Ok, hear me out. On the one hand, I feel absolutely petrified, yet on the other hand I feel at ease. The thought of having to pick one goal or one job¹ has always confused the shit out of me.

I never felt like I knew what I wanted to do in life, what my purpose was. I remember wanting to be a graphic designer at one point. (My photoshop skills were A+, or so I thought back in the day.) But also a psychiatrist. (I treated my dolls and stuffed animals as patients. I pretended that they had problems and came to me to solve them. One of my dolls, for example, was involuntarily separated from her beloved husband due to war and needed my professional help. Dang I had issues). Oh, and a writer. Or more precisely, a best-selling author who just needs to write one book and be set for life. (For a while, all I wrote were terrible short stories/flash fictions revolving around murders, being kidnapped, random stuff like that.)

Looking back, I actually remember that I felt super chill in a way, because I had so many visions and ideas for my future.² I wasn’t worried at all. Or barely. I just kept thinking oh well, things will fall into place for me. I was optimistic.

The older I got, the more terrified I have become. I felt like being a writer is stupid. I can’t write. I felt like being a graphic designer is stupid. I can’t design. I felt like being a psychiatrist is stupid. I can’t… psychologize? (oh lol bad dad joke).

I’m still at a point where I don’t know what I wanna do. But now, at least, I’m not as obsessed about what I’m gonna do.

I feel like I am slowly accepting the fact that I am someone who is better off just doing a bunch of different things simultaneously.  Yeah, today, I think I’m cool with it? The purpose of life is what you make of it, ok.

Regardless of what it is that I do, I know how I want to feel at the end of the day. At the end of my life. Proud, calm, and content. These are feelings I haven’t felt in a while. Maybe emotions I barely experience at all. Or, I at least can’t remember the last time when I felt any of them.

I am barely proud of myself. Like, TRULY proud. Hello (undiagnosed) imposter syndrome. Of course, I feel happy when I pass a test, cook an edible meal, or receive positive feedback for work I do. But that maybe lasts for a minute or two and then I’m like 😳 and my mind goes, ah no you don’t deserve that, they must be wrong. Everything feels wrong. It must have been a mistake. Get off your high horse, is what I think. No wait, that makes no sense, what am I saying. I was never on that horse to begin with. Climb down into the mud beside the horse’s hooves, is what I think.

Then, OBVIOUSLY, I am never calm, lol. Proof 1, proof 2.  Sometimes, people tell me I look ‘energetic’, which I personally believe to be a nice word for anxious/awkward/weird. Then other times, people actually do tell me I look calm, which I think is really lovely/nice/cute, because I’m not on the inside.

Nowadays, I feel like I am never content. Happy, sure. There are moments of pure bliss. When time passes way too fast because you are enjoying yourself so much. But when I’m alone, taking a step back and really think about it? I’m not content or satisfied with the way how things are overall.

I think the reason I am not content is because I am NOT calm, NOT proud, NOT [insert a bunch of things you personally think you lack in order for you to grow as a person].

I am not where I wanna be and I am not content, because I can’t help but think that it’s because I just have this strong urge to ‘arrive’ at last. But at the same time, my question is, where the fuck to?

There’s no final destination here.

(Lol I don’t mean the movie franchise. It’s just a metaphor so go with it.) It’s like I keep thinking the intermediate stations in my life don’t matter, as long as everything works out by the time I get to the final station. (Does this shitty train life metaphor make any sense?)

Why am I not taking care of those intermediate stops? I often just hustle through them. Or sometimes, I’m stuck at one what feels like for ages because of rush hour.

(Again, I don’t mean the movie. Holy shit I’m on fire with these movie jokes aren’t I).

Damn, feels like I’m going off-topic. Let’s wrap this up. I guess what I am trying to say is that I know I shouldn’t wait on being content, happy, proud, and so on. Instead, I might as well just work on being all those things right now, in the present? Ya feel me?

I think I know why I initially felt hostile when I was told that I seem like someone who doesn’t know where they wanna go. Even though my mind quickly went into another direction with that statement, the first second I heard it, I instantly assumed he meant where I wanna go, career-wise.³ But why? Why is this the dominant interpretation of a question such as this one?

How about instead of asking each other where we want to go⁴, we just ask each other how we want to feel?

What if the question “what do you want to be?” becomes primarily associated with a feeling, as opposed to a job?  MIND = BLOWN.

Yo, all I’m saying is, just ask me how I wanna feel. Ask me how I can make my present as precious as possible. Force me to take a look at THE NOW. Perhaps, I might think happy thoughts then, or accomplish nice stuff. Don’t relegate me into a trunk of anxiety by asking me questions related to the unknown aka THE FUTURE. Don’t drive me into a corner where I have to begin justifying myself. Don’t do that. Don’t be silly. Let’s make each other feel good. Today. Everyday.

¹ Looool with future I genuinely was thinking about my 20s. *cries in every language*

² But also one favorite food, one favorite color, one favorite movie, one [insert anything] in life.

³ Based on how the conversation evolved subsequently, I can confirm: yup, he meant in a professional sense.

⁴ or any of the following variations: What do you want to be when you grow up? | Where do you see yourself in the future? | What to do you want to do for a living?