Why You Shouldn’t Get Euphoric About Dating, Men, and Dating Men (Part 2)

Why You Shouldn’t Get Euphoric About Dating, Men, and Dating Men (Part 2)

Because I’m not, lol.

If you haven’t read part 1, I highly suggest you do. Without spoiling much, it’s a brain twister. Go check it out here. Go on, I’ll wait.

Hehe this is so exciting! I’ve never done two parts on something on here so far. I love this. Right, so let’s dive right into it.

The first part was so confusing and unnecessarily long (ok it wasn’t that long¹) and told in riddles, I know. It’s just my usual way of deflecting. But you know what. You are about to witness something amazing right now. For this second part, I’m gonna get all personal² on here.

Short off-topic break before I continue where I left off:

I looove labeling myself as ‘personal’ ________. Blank. Something. Personal blogger. Personal storyteller. Personal, whatever. But that’s wrong on so many levels. In fact, it’s a lie. I’m a fraud. I don’t feel like I’ve ever been personal on my blog. Sure, I’ve written about things I still can’t believe I willingly published online. What I mean is I’ve never been GENUINELY personal. I rarely am. It’s all joke after joke with me. Irony is my raison d’être. But. WHO IS NIKA BURA, LIKE, FO REAL? U know? 🤨

</off-topic break>

I am not a relationship kinda gal. Not because I don’t want to be, or don’t consider myself to be one. But because the opportunities were never there. Now you’re like, but Nika, you are so funny. So smart. And so pretty. No way you’re 29 and still single, bbygurl? 🥺

First of all. Let’s normalize being in your late 20s slash early 30s (or whatever age, really) and single. It’s not a crime to be single, you guys. 

Second of all. To answer the question of WHY.  Well. There is nothing (majorly) wrong with me. At first glance. Or at least I don’t think there is. I shower regularly. Or semi-regularly, depending on my serotonin levels. I am edUcAtEd. On good days, also pretty cute (if I do say so myself). There is also nothing wrong with me at second (or third, or fourth…you get it) glance. I have my head on my shoulders, my feet on the ground. I have a brain. Opinions. Values. Beliefs. Humor (Granted, it’s not to everyone’s taste). It just is what it is. Like I’ve said, the opportunities just weren’t there. The potential wasn’t there. Which can be annoying, yes, but at the same it’s okay.

Oh wait, shiiteeee, this wasn’t the topic, was it? I was planning on speaking about my experiences with first dates.

I’m not sure where you draw the line between an amateur and expert online dater…? But I feel like I’ve had my fair share of first dates over the years to provide some super fancy insight.

Whenever I felt excited, good, confident, talkative, and all that good stuff on a first date, it wasn’t, in fact, a good date! Since those kinds of dates were usually my, gasp, last dates, too!!! Crazy, right? But that’s online dating 101 for you these days. No rhyme or reason to it.³

Haha jk. Maybe for other people but you know me. I love picking my brain like it’s a bowl of edamame and you chomp on what’s inside, piece by piece, one by one.

So let’s chomp chooomp chooooomp on this mf, shall we.

Alright, so, I’ve been trying to figure out why that is — why amazing first dates are mostly last dates for me. I’ve come to all kinds of conclusions, depending on what state I was in, regarding my self-perception – when I hated myself, when I disliked myself, and when I liked myself. (Can’t yet say I loooove myself but I am working on it. Almost there. I think. Fingers crossed.) 

The one I am currently at (and rly don’t mind being at, tbh) is that I’m convinced it’s about them, not me. Before you sigh, yes, this is partially an attempt to soothe my fragile ego, but partially the truth as well. I’m the best I’ve ever been, I think. Well, given the circumstances. And given my abilities. (I have stopped being so goddamn hard on myself.) Sooo, it can’t be me, right? 

All those first/last dates used to upset me when I started online dating a few years ago. (2018 to be precise. Yes, I was late to the party #latetinderbloomer)

I was convinced it was because I am not good enough. Not skinny enough, not loud enough, not bold enough, not funny enough. Just not enough.

Next, I started to think it’s because I’m too determined, too talkative, too expressive, too opinionated, too funny (heheheh). Just too much.

(Alright alright, I was trying to soothe my ego up there. It’s not about them. Or about me, either.)

Eventually, I realized it is neither about being too little nor too much. It just wasn’t the right fit.

IT . WAS . NOT . A . FIT .

Nothing else. Nothing personal. Nothing deep.

Do you understand what I am getting at here? Is it at the tip of your tongue? Have you guessed it by now? No? Okay. Wanna know what the magic word is? Compatibility. Go ahead and shout it from the rooftops.

Whenever I didn’t get the reaction I had hoped for after a first date, I would obviously look for the why. But as soon as I thought about compatibility, I stopped questioning. I stopped questioning why I didn’t feel any ✨SpArKs✨, even though everything seemed “nice” enough. I stopped questioning why a guy’s texting behavior changed suddenly. I stopped questioning why I got ghosted, seemingly out of nowhere. I stopped questioning, period.

Let’s spell it out together!!!!! C O M P A T I B I L I T Y. Anything else doesn’t matter at first. Anything else isn’t worth losing time, energy, and tears over. So let’s not get euphoric about first dates. Let’s only get euphoric when there’s compatibility.

But wait. Now you may be asking, “What if there’s compatibility on the first date?” or, “How do I know it’s compatibility?” Ffs, I don’t know. Do I look like I have the answers? Sometimes I guess you can  tell if there’s compatibility on a first date..? Or wait, maybe I’m referring to chemistry. By that logic, I suppose you can, and should, get euphoric about first dates, then? (Did I just write a whole blog post for nothing? 🥴)

You know what, no. It’s ok. Sometimes you’re like me, a terribly inadequate human being when it comes to interpersonal relationships. Inspecting every nook and cranny. Overanalyzing every aspect. Looking inside every edamame pod, every soybean. 

I believe most of the time, unlike with chemistry, you cannot judge whether there’s compatibility right away or not. Only time will tell. Let’s just wait and see how it develops. How the app develops. (Omg see what I did there? It’s a throwback to part 1, hehe)

Now that I have stopped questioning things, I am left with quite some extra space for my edamame to roll around in my bowl, ehh, brain. Cool. What I can do with all this extra space and time now is, ding ding, self-reflection! I can look into my brain. I can pick mine. Chomp on it, chomp on all the edamame, nom nom.

(Pls tell me you like my running edamame gag, if not, I won’t be mad, but pls just like it)

I am only in control of my own words, actions, and decisions. That’s it. I can’t look into someone else’s brain. I can’t pick someone else’s brain like edamame. What I can do is reflect on my strengths and weaknesses, my communication and attachment style, my LoOOoOvE languages – you know, all that fancy, trendy stuff. Anyone else’s stuff is none of my business. My own stuff, that’s my business. 

Do you get what the fuck I’m saying here? It’s not about the WHY. Why aren’t I this, or that. When a first date turns out less euphoric, let’s be more like, geez, thank God I dodged a bullet right then and there! Let’s not care about the WHY, let’s just be grateful for what IS.

I know this is sooo inspirational, isn’t it? Did you learn something? Had an epiphany? I don’t wanna sound like a smartass who spouts wisdom – I also feel plenty of negative emotions about all this dating stuff. It would be a lie if I said I am not upset and disappointed when things don’t work out after I low-key gained some hope they would. 

Of course I am upset and disappointed. After all, I put myself out there, I remain open and genuine as much as I can be. I spit out the edamame and then I get another one. (Last edamame joke!) I love cheese but I am not a cheesy gal. Except for the next sentence. I am clearly trying to chase that connection, chemistry, or whatever, with mY sPecIaL sOmEoNe.⁴ And I won’t stop, ever. You may also shout this one from the rooftops. Nika is a closeted, cheesy, helpless romantic, hehehehe.

 

1 That’s what she said

2 Yes, I consider this to be my most personal post I have ever published on the world wide webz so far, because I am finally NOT speaking in riddles, but straight up taking references from my real life, naming them, not skirting around then.

3 Obviously, when I felt bored out of my mind, I knew it wasn’t a good date, but yeah we’re not talking about those obviously shitty first dates right now. Should I do that in a future blog post…? Lemme know on the insta.

4 I am monogamous, btw.