A 500 Word Essay on How I Will Waste Your Time

FYI, I’m gonna forward this to anyone who ever shows the slightest interest in me from now on.

I have a thick skin, words can’t crush me. (Neither can cars.) Until they do. And then you’re I’m like, wait, what? What’s happening? I cope with this by resolving it on my own without letting the other one know. I do this with me, myself, and I. I have a huge debate in my head. You know, with podiums and everything. And all of my personalities present, arguing their case. I know my approach is counter-productive and at times self-destructive but I am working on it.

My humor is impeccable. Hilarious is my middle name. (I got Balkan blood running through my veins, we don’t have middle names! Or at least as far as I know since I don’t know anyone with my background who does.) What do you like, what do you hate? I can do it all. Dark and twisted? Check. Light, playful, and not offensive? Check. Puerile mixed with a good dose of anti and dad jokes? Check. Self-loathing slash self-deprecating? Big fucking check. In fact, this one’s checked so hard, you can clearly see the marks of the lines and the color bleeding through the paper. I am funny. But it’s in small doses only. So beware. You will roll your eyes so far back, they might just get stuck there.

When I am down, I find solace in being on my own. I enjoy speaking to myself, writing dumb little lists, all in an attempt to make sense of what it is that is bringing me down, and keeping me where I am. And then I am back at it again, being my cheerful self! I am neither crazy nor asocial for doing this. I just love space so much, I wouldn’t mind suffocating on it. But hey, this doesn’t mean we can’t share this space. There is room for two. Just saying.

I got mad skills that make me a nightmare for people like you. If we part ways for whatever reason, I will not look for you, I will not pursue you. (And I definitely will not kill you. I’ve seen Orange Is the New Black and Vis-a-Vis, so na, thanks, I’m good.) But I will write about you. So, if you read this and wonder, “Is this about me?” then the answer is yes. It is always yes.

The world is your oyster. And I’m your salt water. I either speak in riddles or I don’t speak at all.

I usually struggle with word limits. But since 25% +/- is allowed (right?), I was sure I would make use of that. But nah. I got this. 500 words. Drops mic.

PS: I saw this sentence in a tinder bio once. Wait, hold on. I misread that. I just checked again. It actually said, “Write me a 500 word essay on how you will not waste my time.” Crap.