Don’t Be Like Me

It would be highly hypocritical of me to tell you what to do, or how to be like. That’s like a fish telling you how to breathe on shore. I’m not suited to give advice, I am neither skilled nor qualified to do so. However, what I can do is tell you how NOT to be like, what NOT to do! I am confident that I have gathered enough experience in my lifetime to do that. I don’t mean to brag (I really don’t because that’s not a thing to brag about lmao), but I am an expert in that department. Fun fact, I actually did an illustration series on this one first, go check it out here if you’re an aesthetic animal like me who likes to soak in visuals, too.

1. Don’t be like me, fruit edition.

I am sour. I may not look like it thanks to my happy, yellow, juicy exterior. A ray of sunshine, isn’t she, you’ll say. But next thing you know, gasp!, I’m a sour bitch. Don’t be like me.

I am soft on the outside, but hard on the inside. I also come with a hole on the inside. Always hard and then empty. Don’t forget, I rot easily. First you’re all excited, damn she fine, she firm, she ripe, she got squish. But if you don’t pay attention that all goes to shit. Don’t be like me.

I am hard to crack and once you do, you don’t know if you’re gonna get the good or bad seeds. To clarify, the good seeds are the ones you don’t mind swallowing (often white-ish in color). The bad ones are the stubborn ones that you have to spit out because they make your eating experience miserable. They slow you down, they confuse and annoy you. You lose the desire to eat. Don’t be like me.

2. Don’t be like me, household item edition.

I am impulsive. Silent and inconspicuous then boom, surprise bitch, fired up and loud. Don’t be like me.

I shut off and cry for hours on end. I let it all contained in my own walls. Which I am fine with. But if you suddenly want to open me up with force, you will be overwhelmed. Waterfalls will wash over you, too. Don’t do it unless you want to be confronted with very ugly, very public crying. Don’t be like me.

I am sleek at first glance but come with attachment issues. Because of how I look, you think I’m cool and all that fancy shit, but then you notice the chord and realize I am impractical and heavy to carry around. Next thing you know, you give up and go for the one that is chargeable. Don’t be like me.

3. Don’t be like me, clothes edition.

If you think I am casual, chill and nonchalant, then you’re wrong. I can’t breathe, I am in pain as I stab myself repeatedly. Yeah, it leaves marks but you can’t see them, because I’m too busy prancing around making you think I’m hip. Don’t be like me.

I am a fraud, don’t trust me. I show you goodies that aren’t even goodies! I push up what sags otherwise. I hide and conceal, even though I know you will see what is underneath eventually. Don’t be like me.

I am adaptable, or at least act like it, and then I get lost. I am clingy, and then I disappear. Sometimes I can be found again. Sometimes, I reappear. It might take 3-5 business days, but I wouldn’t bet on it. It is more likely that I am gone, never to be heard from again. Don’t be like me.