How to Be Hot in 3 Easy Steps

Today, I wanna be your hype woman. I don’t want to be your guru, expert, or coach. Your parent, teacher, or boss. Your “I told you so” or your toxic positivity. Today I just want to lift you up (By telling you how to become hot in three easy steps).

 

Step 1: Have a Hot Brain.

Have a hot brain. A hot mind. A hot soul. All of it. You need to work on getting there. Don’t you dare think this is a one-time thing only. Because it’s not, you always have to keep pushing. Like a cart full of yummy food! Or a pregnant lady who is about to give birth. Trust me, it will be worth it in the end.

 

You can use all of your senses to have a hot brain. Read. Watch. Listen. Learn. Educate, challenge yourself. This can mean different things to different people. I am not gonna provide you with suggestions on what to do. Ugh ok fine maybe a few. How about you get a new hobby? Change your shampoo brand or the source you get your news from? What if you ditch people who don’t serve you and embrace opportunities that scare you? Just an idea though. (You can read all of that shit in self-help books btw.)

 

Personally, I hate when people tell me to chill. Or to stop thinking, or to stop being so reasonable. HOW ABOUT NO? I like my brain. For the most part at least. I don’t want it to be cold, ever. I try to keep it at room temperature. It’s lukewarm, baby. As it should be. You do that and voilà, you now have a sexy hot brain.

 

Step 2: Have a Hot Body.

A hot mind ain’t worth shit if you don’t also have a hot bod to go along with it, duh. Again, this is not a one-time process. Eat intuitively. Listen to pains and aches. Go for a run, even if you hate it. Ok forget that shit I hate running. How about a walk? Go for a walk, just because you can. Because you have happy legs to do it for you. Also, take deep breaths because you got happy lungs to do it for you.

 

Do you have fat thighs? Pinch them because they might save you from getting stabbed one day. Remind yourself to be grateful for your jiggly bottom too because it gives you some nice extra cushion to sit on. Lol, imagine sitting and it always being uncomfortable as hell? Nah thanks.

 

Do you have scars? Stretch marks? Cloud shaped pigment spots? Anything? Stroke them all, fellas. Do you really wanna know the secret to having a hot body? Tell yourself you got a hot bod and eventually you will start to believe it.

 

Both steps are hard to reach, one may take longer than the other. Or maybe not. Sometimes you may be high up on the hotness barometer, other days lower. It’s cool. You’ll get there. Or no, wait! Imagine it being like a scale which keeps getting adjusted as you add stuff on both sides. Once you got both parts somewhat balanced out, you are ready for the next and final step.

 

Step 3: Just Be Hot.

Now you’re so hot, people burn themselves when they touch you. You’re so hot, the sun’s jelly as fuck. You’re so hot, you could cook breakfast on yourself. Fun fact: My Grandpa used to slap his bald head and say, “Shiney like a pan, I can make pancakes on this one”. This could be you. You’re so hot, you could make pancakes on yourself. Think about it.

 

PS: I am writing this for you as much as I am writing this for myself.