Why First Dates Are Like Relationships in Quick Mode

Do you ever watch a youtube vid on 1.5 speed or higher because you have little time? And even though you get whatever you need from the video (entertainment, information), you also experience impatience and annoyance to a certain degree (basically because the voices sound dumb af and you question why you watch it like that in the first place)? No? Am I the only one who does that?

Anyway, what I’m trying to say, in an unnecessarily complicated manner, is that there’s a similar pattern to first dates. Akin to watching an accelerated youtube video, experiencing a first date means you go through all the highs and lows within a matter of minutes hours. (Unless you have a really bad date, then minutes it is.) 

In other words, first dates are like relationships in quick mode.

A relationship in wuuuut?

Before I explain, let me start off by saying that I don’t know why I get hyped about first dates since, in a way, I despise dating. No wait, I take that back. I despite dating in every way. Usually, I wish I could skip that part and be in a loving, long-term, committed, happy, non-toxic relationship. Isn’t that what people want at the end of the day?

At the same time, I go through phases where I can’t get enough of dates. Not because it’s a means to an end, not because it might lead to a genuine relationship. Not at all. I try to keep my dating expectations as low as my fifth to ninth-grade self-esteem (= my pre-glow up days).

The reason that I can’t get enough of first dates is that I can’t get enough of the actual process, substance and outcome of them; awkwardness, chemistry and doubts included. Why? Because, in the words of Jughead:

Don’t you dare judge me for quoting Riverdale, btw. That show is a masterpiece of a shit show. For the full effect, watch the quote come alive here:

Masterpiece, I am telling you. Sorry for drifting off there for a sec. Anyway.

Since I am impatient, restless, and busy¹, first dates are all I need to get my fix and go on about my day to day life. Because going through the motions of a first date feels like a relationship in fast forward.

Once again, you may ask yourself, a relationship in wuuuut?

If you have ever been on a first date, you KNOW what I am talking about. You only haven’t articulated that feeling and these thoughts yet. I am about to do that for you. Prepare your mind to be blown.

If you have never been on a Tinder date, blind date, or any sort of first date, then you’re either

A) a kid (if so, then what are you doing here, my blog is not kid-friendly so gtfo)

or

B) just someone who doesn’t do dating apparently, which is cool and all, but I don’t get how that’s possible in this day and age.

Even I have tried that shit and I’m like the least social individual ever. Scroll back up to that Riverdale passage and watch the video (I know you didn’t before) if you don’t get what I am saying. I am anti-social to the core, fully content on my own. It’s a miracle I even decide to go outside on some days. It’s an even bigger miracle I have people who want to socialize with me regardless.

In the end, it doesn’t matter whether you do dates or not, I don’t think it needs much explanation why we sometimes crave being close to another human being and form a connection. It’s only human after all. And that’s when my fingertips get itchy and I resort to, drum rolls, TINDER. Honestly, it’s the quickest way to

A) get put off by dating entirely

and/or

B) get super into it, and like almost go into a dating binge of sorts.

I experience A quite a lot, but sometimes it’s B. Following my most recent dating binge², I have come to the revelation that

I may or may not be addicted to first dates because they give me a good dose of relationship verisimilitude.

Like, the whole range. And I mean THE. WHOLE. RANGE. From the excitement of seeing your crush’s name pop up on your phone, having a nervous stomach, weak knees, and being speechless in their presence, to laughing, being all giggly and affectionate. Perhaps you even experience an instant sexual tension that’s THROUGH THE ROOF. Or, as cliché as it sounds, sometimes you even develop that rare feeling where you talk to someone and it feels like you have known each other for ages. You can’t help but feel comfortable and safe in their presence.

Yeah, all of that, you can get in a first date. I am not saying it happens every time but I am telling you it’s possible. All the good stuff. Lust and butterflies. The 2-3ish month long honeymoon stage of relationships. You can get that in one date only.

But when I say relationships in quick mode, that also implies I am talking about a beginning and an end, which is why these accelerated relationships also entail all the bad stuff. The silence (the bad kind, not the good kind), the disagreements. And of course, the part where you breakup, oof. What usually announces itself in the form of a gradual, creeping destruction of a relationship over the course of months, years or decades, within the realm of first dates, you can be exposed to that kind of demise within hours or days! Whether it’s lying, ghosting, orbiting, or whatever supernatural or galaxy shit else there is these days, it’s all part of the sped-up millennial relationship. THAT’S WHAT (not all, but some) MILLENNIAL LOVERS’ HEARTS AND BRAINS ARE MADE OF. 

Over the course of your quick mode relationship, you realize someone is not who they said they were. More than often, you notice you have little to no shared interests. You have values, personality traits or a kind of humor that isn’t compatible with the person in front of you. Maybe you like the person you are on a date with, but only on a platonic level. Maybe you hear or do the ‘it’s me, not you’ spiel. Best case? You both are aware that the spark and compatibility just isn’t there. Worst case? Only one does while the other one is left heartbroken. For a millisecond. Or a day, tops. Then you move on. Because luckily, even the grieving process is in fast forward these days.

WAKE UP, PEOPLE. It’s 2020. So much happens in quick mode now.

We are used to instant gratification. Or well, seeing how everything we need is at the tip of our fingertips, we feel entitled to it. That unknown song, whose lyrics I can’t get out of my head? Oh, let me shazam it. My bike is broken? Let me google the closest bike repair store! Holy cow, the final season of Money Heist³ is on Netflix? Lemme watch all episodes while I drown myself in junk food. You get my point.

Because we see that it’s possible, we expect to have every question, every need, every desire of ours satisfied asap. Likewise, we want to instantly benefit from the feelings we experience when we are with someone else. I mean, damn, did you know that the chemical dopamine which is released when we experience love, makes us feel ecstatic similar to the way doing coke or drinking alcohol would? ^x I mean, whaaat? Isn’t that insane? And like, so dope at the same time?

Duh, NO WONDER WE CRAVE LOVE. I am part of it. I am a slave to feeling entitled to my instant gratification. Hello, my name is Nika and I am addicted to millennial love. Now everyone in chorus: HELLO NIKA.

This craving for instant gratification is among the reasons why casual relationships are so prevalent nowadays.

I don’t know if it’s solely because of this abundance of dating apps or what, but people are suuuper vocal about preferring short-term flings over exclusive commitments these days. Understandably, it does not work for everyone, but I don’t think people necessarily have to engage in it to understand its appeal.

I mean, think about it, we have the option to experience all of the emotions so fast, so what’s the point in committing oneself to an exclusive relationship, including all the good and bad shit, inevitable hardships and eventual heartbreak, if you can get all of that in a much shorter time span? Feeling the good stuff to the max, while feeling the bad stuff at its lowest impact? Sign me up.

Who would say no to that? Maybe people who are not addicted to short-term spikes of dopamine levels like I am. But then again, of course there is more to that. There is more to preferring quick mode relationships over ‘standard mode’ relationships. Perhaps deep down, you are scared of commitment, terrified of being confronted to talk about your feelings eye-to-eye, which inevitably leads you to dig into the depths of your childhood, which, in turn, will reveal the root of your attachment issues and lack of communicational skills. But wow haha let’s slow down, that’s a topic for another blogpost. Or for a therapist.

I mean yeah sure, dating is exhausting. For the majority, you encounter shallowness, awkwardness and incompatibility. It’s like gambling. You rarely hit the jackpot. The chances of someone meeting on Tinder and dying happily with two kids and five grandkids are slim.⁴ People like that are not the rule, merely the exception. But first dates still give you a taste of the human relationship, which is what makes it so addicting. At least to me.

1 or at least I tell myself I am busy with university and whatnot when in fact all I have been doing for the past month is to binge three or four shows but who is counting amirite lol.

2 it wasn’t really a binge I went on? More like a handful of dates or so this year, considering Covid and all. Idk why I proclaim to be an expert on this, it’s just that excessiveness and hyperboles are my thing tbh.

3 no it’s not.

4 Just to clarify, I don’t mean entire generations of families dying at the same time. I just don’t know how else to phrase the sentence, but I’m sure you get it.