An Open Letter to My Younger Self

Geez you are so dramatic because you can’t open the door, boo hoo. Don’t worry, it gets easier. Not because you will learn eventually, but because you’ll move! To a place with a door that is much easier to open. (And omg, two elevators, what!)

 

I know you are convinced you are dumb because you can’t put together two syllables to read. You know what, don’t sweat it, you’ll be able to do that and so much more in not one, but two languages even! How exciting is that? I know you don’t like to pat yourself on the back, but you should. Also don’t take your brother’s words too seriously. One day you will be proofreading his thesis.

 

Yeah I am aware you are at that stage where you dread every single math class in high school. Crying over math homework way past 11 pm is so exhausting when all you want to do is sleep, I KNOW. Well hey at least your mom is there to help you, goddammit that woman is so smart isn’t she. Anyway wipe those tears and go to sleep already. Nobody will ever quiz you on doing fractions or any of that other bs in real life.

 

You constantly wonder what you are gonna do when you grow up. Umm yeah, sorry, I still can’t answer this one for you. You’re still in the middle of growing up. And I don’t mean physically. You are all grown up, omg lol everything’s grown. Clearly I meant growing up in a different sense, but yeah no you know what, forget it, this is too deep.

 

Ohhh, the doodles you do? You do that on a thing called a tablet now, an iPad to be precise, and then you publish it on a thing called Instagram now. You absolutely love it.

 

You’re wondering when the pimples will go away. Well, I got good news and bad news. The good news are that the crazy ones you have during adolescence will pass, hooray. But you have to deal with hormonal breakouts every single month. (sorry.) And hormonal migraines, almost every single month. (so sorry).

 

Your insane to-do lists turned into electronical ones. Well done, kid, it’s better for the environment. Speaking of the environment. Shit gets worse. Shit is hitting the fan.

 

You think you are so sensitive and everything and everyone hurts you. Well guess what. You have kind of a mean streak. Actually, you are kind of cold now, ngl. But ehh, it is very circumstantial.

 

You worry whether that boy likes you? Now you question whether you will even like the boy.

 

Writing is still therapeutic.

 

You cry over fictional characters, right? LOOOOOL how embarrassing. Um. Yeah nothing has changed on that front.

 

No wait, you know what. You are such a crybaby. I should just nickname you Niagara Falls. But being emotional and vulnerable is nothing to be ashamed of. I am still in the process of teaching you this one.

 

You are scared of so many things. Surprise, you still are. But some of your fears are alright. They keep you on your toes I guess.

 

You are shy and non-confrontational as fuck, 100% convinced you are a side character to everyone and everything in your surroundings. I know you can’t stand attention and definitely do not think highly of yourself. Well believe it or not, but you low-key enjoy being the life of the party every now and then. The spotlight doesn’t scare you as much anymore. Bitch, you’re the main character of your own limited series. (Don’t take this literally, you may study TV in some sense, but you’re not on TV.)

 

Haha you swear like a sailor, and supposedly it’s not “ladylike”? You should stop doing it? Who told you that? You do you.

 

You are healthy. I wish I could smack you over the head because you really don’t appreciate this enough.

 

Your bangs will annoy the shit out of you. (If they don’t already). You are growing it out and never looking back. Buns are your go-to. You couldn’t be happier. Cherish your thick, luscious hair while you can because I am sorry to disappoint (pls don’t cry) but trauma and stress made your hair fall out (sorry). It’s not your fault.

 

You thought scars were “cool”? That imperfections are “unique”? Congrats, you got a bunch of those. When you’re dead and they look at your lifeless corpse, they will instantly recognize it’s you. They won’t ask for your ID. I mean they won’t be able to ask you anyway lol but you know what I mean.

 

Don’t think I have forgotten that you laughed at a funeral once. You still have a great sense of humor. (At least in my opinion.)

 

You hate when people stare at you? Stare the fuck back, it’s really empowering.

 

Remember when you were a tomboy called Brian? Well, you definitely identify as she/her but the tomboy isn’t dead.

 

I know you don’t believe me but you are pretty. You are not fat. Also remember, these two don’t go hand in hand, no matter what other people tell you.

 

Wow, you love ice cream, like so many other kids. Once you discover Ben and Jerry’s everything else will taste so cheap to you.

 

I know you heard the phrase ‘fake it till you make it’ before. And I know that YOU don’t know what that even means. Make what? But you are faking it. You sometimes feel like a fraud but just don’t realize it yet. These days you feel like one more than ever before but deep down you know you don’t have to. Let’s be real. You’re not a fraud, you’re a star.

 

You never let loose. Ugh. Let loose ffs. Let your guard down. I’m trying to force you to do this TO THIS DAY.

 

Lmao remember those embarrassing diaries you wrote during elementary school? You get even more embarrassing because now, you publish your thoughts to the world wide web, for EVERYONE to see. You are so cringe now.

 

I know your head is in the clouds. Your head isn’t quite on earth now either but, it’s kinda mid-air now I would say? The places you built in your imagination? YOU STILL GO THERE IN YOUR (DAY)DREAMS. You created a whole village by now.

 

You like to spend time alone. You feel at ease when you are alone. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that. You will soak up every minute, hour, day, week you get to spend alone in the future. Just pls socialize every now and then ok. But yeah you would thrive being alone on an island I think.

 

Speaking of islands. You thought you were an island. You still are.

 

You think 20 year olds are adults? Now you think 20 year olds are toddlers.

 

You can’t identify and express your emotions the way you would like. Well, guess what! Na jk, you still can’t. But it’s okay you’re working on it.

 

You are a silly goofball and don’t take yourself too seriously. Glad to confirm this hasn’t changed at all.

 

You cope by minimizing every one of your problems and injecting humor in every wound. Personally I think that’s great, you make me cry tears of laughter because of this. But like, I have to be honest with you, in the long term, I am not too sure that’s the way to go. Ehh you know, I’m not trying to judge you gurl, but just think about this.

 

You talk an awful lot. But at the same time you really don’t. You look angry, but you also smile a lot. You obsess a lot over made up scenarios, you sweat the small stuff. But you don’t sweat the big stuff. Wtf, girl. There’s so much more I could include here but I am gonna stop. Past and future you is giving me headaches. Can someone else please make sense out of this? I haven’t figured this one out yet. I suggest you talk to someone else about this, not adult-you in this weird faux scenario.

 

Btw. Don’t be ridiculous. Posting stuff on the internet isn’t THAT scary. Sometimes awkward and cringe, yes, especially if it’s personal, but it’s not scary, stop hyperventilating.