AKA a Nonconformist’s Tale About the Idea of Parenthood

As the wise Emerson once said, “For nonconformity the world whips you with its displeasure.”¹ 179 years later, and you know what, it’s still true.

The mild whips

Even if the whip comes in a subtle form, it is still a whip, man. As a girl, I occasionally notice this in the form of harmless questions or unsolicited advice: “Why do you dress like a guy?” or “You should dress in a more colorful way” but also, “Why don’t you wear makeup more often?” or “You could do with more makeup”. I know that most of the time, these kind of comments are not meant in an offensive way at all, and I reply with something along the lines of: “Because men clothes are comfy as hell” or “Because I am lazy as hell” and that’s it. I don’t lose another thought on it.

The harsh whips

The biggest whip of displeasure, however, comes when the topic of children comes up. This is when I am reluctant to reply (or at least, to reply honestly). This is when I don’t feel the urge to explain myself. Because my answer would earn me the biggest invisible Emerson whip of them all. Well, okay, to be fair, it’s only ALMOST the biggest whip, I guess. My answer isn’t a definite “no”, but it’s an “I don’t know” and always has been. (Because I am inconsistent and moody, remember? I told you before.)

The conformists

Still, it seems to be another unacceptable answer I have noticed. I can always SMELL the judgement in the air if the topic ever comes up when I find myself in a company where I am outnumbered by normies. I am not only talking about the gender expectations that essentially impose motherhood on you, but also cultural expectations. In the culture I grew up in², you belong to the norm if you are married by your early twenties (bonus points if it’s even before that) and have all the kids you plan to have before your thirties (even more bonus points if it’s by your mid twenties). You receive extra points if your wedding³ has over 200 guests and your newly-bought property over 200 square meters. That is the cultural equivalent of having won the lottery.

The nonconformist

I am relieved that I have never felt the pressure to conform to any of that, neither from my immediate surrounding, such as my parents nor from anyone else that I know who comes from the same or similar background as I do. Side note: I am not judging anyone who aspires to win this cultural lottery, by the way. You do you. I am all for it as long as it makes you happy. After all, I am a firm believer in doing whatever you want to do as long as you are not hurting anyone or breaking any laws, ok.

However, I am low-key judging you if you give me the Emerson displeasure whip for daring to even THINK about straying from that norm. What does my disapproval of your values has to do with the way you practice them? Me not sharing your values has zero effect on the way you decide to live your life, no? All I am asking for is that these kind of people don’t disapprove my values and the way I lead my life. Unfortunately, that is what happens when I voice my lack of excitement and enthusiasm about the thought of having kids.

I never actually outright say I have my doubts about parenthood, and if I ever do make a passing comment about it (because the conversation revolves around the topic), people around me either take it as me joking or they reply with a joke themselves. I hear comments like, “Shuuush! How dare you think like that“ or “You say that now, but wait until you have a boyfriend/husband, you will want kids, trust me” or the classic, “How would YOU know what you want, get yourself a man first and then talk” that comes with the accompanying smirk.

The nonconformist whips back (virtually)

Why does it seem to hurt people when you don’t agree with them on the topic of having kids? Who says this is supposed to be a universally shared thing that everyone agrees upon?

Why do some of these people act so wise all of a sudden? Being in a relationship makes you more worthy than me? Having a child makes you an expert on what someone else wants? I know people in my life who are the most emotionally immature fucks, yet they pretend like they are above me because they happen to be a parent. Every opinion I express in their company is deemed useless automatically.

Where does the condescending tone come from? Where do y’all store all that disdain? I feel like I am being put in a race against my will, with zero chance of overtaking anyone. Or like I am in a hierarchy where I am in the bottom part. I imagine something like this, picture an altercation between rich and poor, circa middle ages: “Who is this childless, filthy peasant who just stepped on the lower part of my gown? Someone take away this abomination, now!”

Why the nonconformist is a nonconformist

So far, I have only talked about what others think about my stance on kids, I haven’t actually explained how I feel about it. So let’s do that. Now what, do I want kids or not? Some know they want them for sure, some know they don’t want them for sure. Others are like me, where they’re simply like, “I don’t know.” To dream about or plan for things you are uncertain about is kinda redundant to me. Unless a decision, idea or whatever is set in stone, why should I waste my time on it? I am in this in-between, limbo kinda state when it comes to the question of whether I want to have kids or not.

The non-conformist as a kid

It doesn’t matter whether I was five or today years old, I have always known that I didn’t know whether I wanted kids or not. Back in kindergarten, it was just playing games, yet I was still weirded out when we would play house and one pretends to be the mother, the other the father, and another one the child. I was so annoyed when I was supposed to play the mom and watch the baby.

After all, I never had an image in my mind of how, or when I would want kids. It never crossed my mind. I never thought it made sense to dream or fantasize about something unreal to me, unless I was sure I wanted it. I am a dreamer and an idealist, but at the same time I am a pragmatist and realist. Now I am not sure how this works, don’t ask me how I do it, but I have realized that this is how I am wired, ok.

The non-conformist as an adult

So being like, “Yes, I want a child!” always seemed like an abstract concept to me, even as a child. If one day I wake up and know for a fact that I want to have a kid, or more, then yeah of course. Why not, bring on the little rascals! Give me that offspring, goddammit! But if it happens that I never develop that desire, I actually think I would be okay with remaining childless, too. I don’t think I would be less of a person because of this, but others may do. But who gives a fuck about them, right? Ooops, wait, I do feel for my parents, I mean I know they want some grandkids but like, I don’t know, sorry?

Like I said before, some are like, “You’ll know when you find the right person” but I don’t see how that is a valid explanation. After all, what does ‘finding the right person’ has to do with the values I have established for myself? It does not change a thing. I will not change my mind about something as huge as this because someone else pushes me to. I will only change my mind, or more precisely, make up my mind, if I myself am 100% sure about it.

The selfish nonconformist

It’s not just about being financially, emotionally, and mentally secure. The funny thing is, it’s not even about doubting my potential parenting skills. Call me overconfident I don’t care, but the parenting part itself is not the challenge that overwhelms or scares me.

I think my biggest HELLL NAAA is that I am not willing to make someone else my priority. As I am getting older, I am slowly becoming more and more selfish (the good kind of selfish, not the bad one, trust me, there is a difference). I like focusing on myself, figuring myself out. Realizing the meaning of my life, by practicing all the trendy self dashes you can think of: Self-improvement, self-love, self-realization and all that stuff.

I am not ready to give that up. At least not yet. Or maybe never. I’m not saying you are supposed to give up your whole identity once you become a parent, but your priorities will obviously shift. I will have to make my child my priority, or else I would not bother being a mother in the first place. In the end, the thing is that I don’t want to sacrifice a huge chunk of my me-time, basically.

The nonconformist’s haircut

Like I said, I want to be sure. 100% sure, no, scratch that, 110% sure. Like this one time I got a, by my standards, drastic haircut. Now please don’t be like, “OH HOW DARE YOU COMPARING A HAIRCUT TO HAVING KIDS!” But, hey, why not. Who says I can’t? For the most part of my life, I had long hair. Super long hair! Then one day, the thought crept into my head that I want short hair. Hair so short that I can’t even put it in a bun anymore. I was so sure I wanted it short, but my mom was reluctant. My hairdresser was reluctant. So she only cut off half the amount I had initially asked her for. Once she was done, I remember her saying: “If you still feel strongly about it, come again and we’ll do the rest.” Within seconds of leaving that hair salon, I just knew. All I thought was, “Damn why you gotta do me like that, I know I’m gonna come back and chop off the rest, ugh.”

The nonconformist’s epiphany

My point is, I knew I did not need any more time to question my decision. I knew I was not uncertain about it anymore. I had zero doubts. And that is the exact feeling I want to have before I become a parent. Some may say, “Oh well but you’re never ready, it’s never the right time, you will learn as you go, this is what parenthood is about” etc. Not saying you are in the wrong, but it’s wrong for me to approach it this way. I am not a “I’m just gonna wing it” kind of person. I am a meticulous to-do list kind of person. Well, maybe not in all aspects of my life, but many; parenthood certainly being one of them. Regardless of what I do, I always need a sense of reassurance that only I can create for myself.

¹ Do yourself a favor and go read Emerson’s essay on “Self-Reliance” right now. I know it’s like almost 200 years old but it’s surprisingly relatable in this day and age. So go ahead, sprinkle your mind with some good ol’ transcendentalist philosophy.

² I know it’s not just in mine, and these cultural norms certainly are not as strict in comparison to others, but remember: I am always speaking from my perspective on my blog, and what I have witnessed growing up in my immediate surrounding and am still witnessing today.

³ Holy shit don’t let the conformists hear my thoughts on marriage. But wait, it does sound tempting to rant about that in a future blog post.