My Most Hated Feelings in 2021 (Not Ranked)

Time flies. No, it teleports. It feels like I blinked once and suddenly a couple years have passed. I am still processing March 2020 tbh, but in an attempt to come to terms with it almost being 2022 (!), I will present you with my top 5 most hated feelings of 2021 (in no particular order) along with the usual in-depth, monologue-esque analysis of mine you’ve all come to love so much. Ooooook let’s go.

 

1) Guilt.

 

Yikes. The worst. It doesn’t matter if I was doing the dishes, working my retail job, out grocery shopping, sleeping (!!) ffs, or literally doing what I was supposed to be doing at that very moment (=studying), I had been feeling immense guilt.¹ Guilt all over. This past year in particular felt like there was a fucking boat loaded with bricks² resting on my shoulders, pushing me downwards. Backwards. Or whatever direction it pleased. It made me seasick. Insane, I KNOW. It was out of (my) control. Despite Taylor Swift’s instructions to just “shake it off” back in 2k14, I wasn’t able to shake of this feeling of guilt until a couple weeks ago. Do I feel lighter now, you ask? No. Because one thing has stuck with me regardless, which is

 

2) anxiety.

 

I wish I had a radio stuck inbetween my intestines (wow what tongue twister, try saying that one out loud). It would be like an internal radio, iRadio if you will (ba dum tss, apple pls sponsor me) that would automatically reduce all my recurring physical symptoms of anxiety. Whenever something happens I could just be like, “Ok can we turn ON the quiet already?!” Or, “can we turn DOWN the noise?”

 

“Fun” fact, I used to keep an anxiety diary³, jotting down date/symptoms/length/potential triggers/etc, but eventually stopped because I couldn’t keep up. I rarely talk about this, so this feels really uncomfortable to MENTION ON MY BLOG FOR EVERYONE TO SEE. But I think it’s good to get it out there. FYI I am not using my anxiety diary on a regular basis anymore. I am managing well on my own for now. I don’t see the need to get professional help right now (Weird flex but ok).⁴ JEEEZUS. This was hard for me to put into words, did any of this make any sense to you? Yeah well either way, 2021 had some days in it where my anxiety levels were at its highest for sure. Aaaanyway, moving on to the next one.

 

3 Monotony.

 

2021 was monotonous af. Just going through the motions. Same thoughts, same lethargy, same tasks, day in, day out. I was fed up with the monotony but at the same time succumbed to it so I didn’t put up a fight. It’s like I’ve been on autopilot for so long, I don’t recognize my surroundings anymore. I see them but not really. They just pass by me. Like wow, you blink and holy shit, years have passed of you wasting your days, life, not being able to pinpoint major events of joy in your life. 2021 was peak autopilot year for me. But yeah I still didn’t do anything about it, ops, see reason 5 to find out why. Now let’s talk about a special one,

 

4 excitement.

 

I’ve always had these jolts of excitement. From when I was young to now (I feel like everyone has them, right?). Ok wait I’ll explain mine. They can be creative, like really getting into an idea where you work on it tirelessly for hours, forgetting to drink, pee, sleep, you name it. Or related to interpersonal relationships. I’d meet people and see potential for a friend- or relationship, but then this potential soon evaporates into nothing. I get excited and then I am over it just as fast. I hype things up in my head. Ideas, plans, connections, and then I discard them. That’s what annoyed me about excitement this year. I  h a t e  how fleeting excitement is. I wished the feeling would last longer. Or not happen to me at all.

 

The final, most hated feeling of 2021 is a difficult one to describe for me, but I’ll give it a shot.

 

5 Perfectionism, procrastination, or fear?

 

2021 felt like balancing on a thin rope between perfectionism and procrastination (or was it laziness?) It doesn’t feel quite right to call it either of these things though. I don’t give a shit about doing anything perfectly. I wouldn’t consider myself overly lazy, either. Bruh, I am a go-getter, an achiever. Ok that was sarcasm but none of these are accurate descriptions of how I had felt this past year.

 

Ok, let’s self-reflect. It was either that I was hating my faux perfectionism for not getting things done as fast/as well as I liked. Or, I was blaming my tendency to put things off for not getting shit done asap. Which one is it? In hindsight, both are wrong. Idk about you, but I’m feeling 22 scared, too. (For some reason I can’t get T-Swift’s old songs out of my head). I think I just like to hide between the labels of perfectionism and procrastination to justify me being scared of leaving my comfort zone. My future frightens me. THERE, I SAID IT, Y’ALL HAPPY NOW? One of my most hated feeling of 2021 was most definitely fear. I may not like to admit it but, I’m a coward, a scaredy cat, a clown.

 

That was it you guys, my top 5 most hated feelings this year, ranked in no particular order. Alexa, remind me to write “Most Loved Feelings in 2022” this time next year.

 

¹ tbf not just in 2021 but it definitely took a tall this year

² Idk why a boat would by filled with bricks, just go along with it

³ lol why do I keep diaries for everything/everywhere? Online, my phone, different topics etc

⁴ or maybe I don’t like to admit that I’m not brave enough